21 Words for Healthy Relationships

H. Norman Wright, a Christian psychologist, talks about 21 words that will help transform your relationships. Whether it be a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, child, mom, dad or friend, add these words to your conversations and watch your relationships be changed into healthy relationships.

I was wrong.

You were right.

I am sorry.

Will you forgive me.

I forgive you.

I love you.

Thank you.

Begin the change in your relationships today!

Rick Jass, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
President, Charis Counseling, LLC

Reduce Your Stress

Everyone deals with stress in their lives. The distance between our expectations and the reality of the situation will indicate our level of stress. So what do you do?

Adjust your performance to change your reality. If you didn't get a good review at work or your relationship with your child or parents is strained for example, make changes in your behavior that might improve and change your present reality.

Or adjust your expectations. If you have expectations of somebody else and you're only OK if they change, you are in a powerless position. Accept them as they are and not as you would have them. If you are discontent with your life and it is not in your power to change it. Acceptance. If you're holding on to hurt from years ago and are feeling bitter. Acceptance. Adjust your expectations to what is true rather than how things "should" be or "should have" been.

Decrease your stress today. Either adjust your performance if it is in your control or adjust your expectations if it is not. Discerning between the two will  decrease your stress level before you know it.

Rick Jass, MA, LPC
Charis Counseling, LLC
"Encouraging Excellence in Living"

Perspective

Perspective. Have you every felt overwhelmed during a crisis? You're not alone. Perspective is one important way for us to regulate our emotions during times of crisis. People can make one of two mistakes. They can minimize the crisis and remain in denial so that change does not occur or they can magnify the crisis to the point that it becomes overwhelming. The solution is perspective.

When we are young, we lack perspective. A child might be upset that a toy is broken and have a meltdown. When that child grows up and he or she has meltdown because a car is broken, he/she hasn’t learned the lesson of perspective. One of the top misbelief makers is a lack of perspective and it can look like 'all or nothing thinking' or 'magnification' of a problem in life.

In 'all or nothing thinking' we go to the extremes. Something is either perfect or it is the worst thing that could possibly happen. With people we do this often with celebrities. We put a celebrity on a pedestal and idolize them and then when we discover that he or she is human, we tear them down and trash them. (Look in the checkout aisle of any grocery store for examples of this.) We fail to recognize that these are people who have good and bad qualities just like you and me.

When we go through difficult times, it’s easy to believe that this is the too terrible for us to endure. However, perspective will tell us that many have endured things in life that are painful and difficult. Maybe if you look at your own life, you can remember another difficult time that seemed too painful at the time and you somehow made it through. These times test our resolve; they test our faith and yet in the end give us new perspective. Maybe the crisis makes us reach out to friends or family for support. Maybe it causes us to seek counseling to learn new skills to help us through. Maybe it causes us to rely on God for strength and hope when we most need it. 

These times of crisis remind us that we can be honest about our pain. We don’t need to minimize it and we don’t need to be overwhelmed by it. Keeping perspective helps us get through a crisis and then maybe someday give hope to someone else in need of that same gift.

Rick Jass, MA, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

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Excellence in Living

Excellence in Living: Goals

It's February and you know what that means?

Not only are you probably thoroughly sick of winter, but the gym has fewer people using their memberships, you still haven't finished the book you started, you haven't lost any weight, your relationships are still struggling and any goals you set for yourself on January 1st have gone by the wayside.

It happens every year. Millions of people make New Year's Resolutions and only a minority of those millions ever follow through with them. It's frustrating, discouraging and leads to either self-loathing or apathy. Why does this happen and what can you do about it? One option that I've heard is to not set any goals. This would solve the problem of not reaching the goal, but doesn't seem to bode well for improvement. There is another option and it is more hopeful. Set a different kind of goal that keeps you motivated because it is attainable every day. The kind of goal that usually fails is focused on the future and a result that one hopes to achieve. "I want to lose 20 pounds." "I want to get in shape." "I want to work on my relationship with my wife." "I want to get along better with my kids." All of these goals are excellent ideas and give us a long-range vision of what we'd like to accomplish. However, they fall short because we have no idea how attain them. This is where Action Goals change your focus. Shane Murphy is a sports psychologist who works with Olympic athletes. In his book, The Achievement Zone, writes "There are some big differences between action goals and result goals. They make us look at our world differently. Action goals energize us. Result goals worry us." The first step in creating action goals is to start with the result goal and then work backwards from there. Ask yourself the question, "What do I need to do each day and is in my control in order to achieve that goal. Action goals are specific and are able to be measured on a daily or weekly basis. For example, if my goal is to improve my relationship with my spouse, my action goals might look like the following:

1. Read one chapter in a marriage book 2 times per week. ("Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman are two good ones.)

2. Spend 20 minutes per day in conflict-free conversation with my spouse.

3. Go on at least a 2 hour date once per week. (This doesn't have to cost money. It could be going for a walk and having uninterrupted time together.)

4. Tell my spouse at least one thing I appreciate about him/her each day.

5. Do one random act of kindness for my spouse each day.

Each one of these action goals are specific, concrete and you either check them off as completed or you don't. Picture a small check box beside each item. The reason that the box is small is because there is no room for excuses of why you didn't do it. "I didn't have time" "I was tired" "I forgot" don't fit in the box. You either did or didn't. Yes or No. Done or not done. As the weeks go by and you check off the box, you will evaluate your relationship and realize that your marriage is improving. If you miss a day, don't give up, beat yourself up or make excuses, simply do it the next day. At the end of the month when there are more checks than not, you will still be doing what needs to be done to improve the relationship. Many people will miss a day or two and then give up and before long they haven't been to the gym in a month, they haven't invested in their family relationships and things are staying the same. Which is not where you want to be.

It's February and you know what that means?

Set some action goals. Be specific. Check the box and get on track for reaching your goals!

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